old friends

last week n said to me, "you remember a lot more about me than i do." it made me laugh. of course i remember. i've loved him since i was a child. if you were to read my diaries from eight, ten years ago, you would find it full of him and k and i. that was a long time ago - we were still learning who we were.

the thing was, we never learnt, at least i never did. not until fate took us apart. but now i'm back and he's back and we are golden again.

he hugged me this morning. it was just a hug, but he hadn't done it in years and it made me feel loved and wanted and worth something and like i was young again. so many memories. happy times and heartbreak and euphoria and praying on the mountain and holding hands, spinning in the wind.

i don't think you ever forget your first love. not now. not ever.

hypnotised

"we held hands when we walked down the gingerbread path into the forest, blood dripping from our fingers. we danced with witches and kissed monsters. we turned us into wintergirls, and when she tried to leave, i pulled her back into the snow because i was afraid to be alone."

i am walking down that path again. the trees cast black shadows on the ground. i try to walk around them so i don't get sucked into the darkness, but it calls to me. softly. gently. the shadows wrap themselves around my arms, tug me closer to them, caress my hair, whisper sweet nothings in my ears, make me feel worthwhile. they draw me in, hypnotising me with eyes so black they must be bottomless.

when i try to take my hand back, scarlet regret and betrayal drips down, staining the icy ground dark red. i give in. the cuts heal. i let the shadows take me.

i am scared. but at least feeling scared is better than feeling nothing.

thawing

months pass. i don't write. i don't talk much either. i lock the words and feelings deep down inside me. i let them hurt me.

my heart is frozen cold after the long winter. people try to melt it with their smiles, but they can't even touch the surface. instead it cracks and splinters, threatening to break into a million little pieces. i am fragile.

it's almost october again. the magnolias are flowering, spring is here. the ice is melting.

maybe, this time, i'll thaw too.

betrayal

it's been a year now, slightly more maybe. i miss my old life, the old me, the one people loved. i miss a and c and the happy days. she texted me today - telling me that everything was all my fault. i was hurt because she hasn't been there for me but she said that wasn't her problem because i never told her that i needed a friend.

you shouldn't have to tell real friends that.

i start to wonder if i'm the reason i don't have many friends now. t says no - it's because i trust people and then they let me down and that makes me scared to trust again. he loves me and i have to believe that he won't hurt me. i cross my fingers and pray and pray and pray.

i am a frightened bird, sheltered in his palms. he makes me safe. i never want to fly away.

rain, again

is this what it is always going to be like? things coming together and falling apart over and over. broken glass, glued back together, only to be shattered again. i trust too easily, love too quickly, give parts of myself to people i'm not sure of.

i was much better off before i got wound up in you.

love

the moon comes out and then the whole sky is lighted for our pleasure. the stars begin to dance. i want to sing.

he loves me.

i love him too.

prayers

a week ago tonight my sister tried to kill herself. i rang an ambulance, legs shaking, teary eyed. i had to sit in the bathroom with her, holding my hand between the shower wall and her head so she wouldn't knock herself out. they took her away. sam and i cried and he slept in my bed.

i felt like it was my fault.

every night since then i cross my fingers and pray it doesn't happen again. please, please, please god. please.

a thousand miles

tonight mum and dad ask me what i want for my birthday. 22. "nothing," i say. nothing they can give me.

what i want is to be married in my little house, far away from here and the memories that keep taking me back to a time that i wish could be erased from my mind. and if not that, then i want to be back in the woods in washington, snug and warm with the snow falling outside and puppies to play with in front of the fire and popcorn popping on the stove. and you. mostly i want you.

but i can't have any of those things. not now. not yet.

i was so happy - am so happy, but i'm starting to wonder if there's such a thing as being too happy. eventually the things that made you like that become common.

at first it was enough just to have you, to know that you were there even if there were ocean separating us. it's not enough now. i need you physically, emotionally - in ways i can't describe. you'll be here in two weeks, but that's not enough.

i need you. forever.

weird

he moves on. a does, that is. he asks h out and she's ecstatic - she's liked him for years. i think about it all saturday and then dream about it that night.

it makes me feel weird. not jealous, although some might think so. i have my own life now, my own boyfriend who adores me, happiness that comes from inside - not like before when it depended on him. i just feel weird.

maybe it's because he said he'd wait for me, wait until i was better. i know i moved on, but somehow it still feels like betrayal, a broken promise.

i'm coming to terms with it. talking to t made me feel better. i know he loves me, even if he doesn't say it.

i think i love him too.

whole

i put on my new hiking boots and wear them around the block. the twilight seeps into darkness, angels peep down through the holes in the sky above. a star shoots by and i close my eyes to make a wish.

blankness. nothing.

i have everything. i am happy, complete, well. i have you now and my future stretches before me full of endless possibilities. i am finally content.

i want for nothing.

i am whole.