tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20417657112036331422024-03-14T03:43:48.865+13:00wintergirlshe is a gatherer: moonlight, found wishes, moments of gratitudewintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.comBlogger77125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-55765221478170208042012-10-14T00:16:00.000+13:002012-10-14T00:16:13.236+13:00old friendslast week n said to me, "you remember a lot more about me than i do." it made me laugh. of course i remember. i've loved him since i was a child. if you were to read my diaries from eight, ten years ago, you would find it full of him and k and i. that was a long time ago - we were still learning who we were.<br />
<br />
the thing was, we never learnt, at least i never did. not until fate took us apart. but now i'm back and he's back and we are golden again.<br />
<br />
he hugged me this morning. it was just a hug, but he hadn't done it in years and it made me feel loved and wanted and worth something and like i was young again. so many memories. happy times and heartbreak and euphoria and praying on the mountain and holding hands, spinning in the wind.<br />
<br />
i don't think you ever forget your first love. not now. not ever.wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-86335565413006591432012-10-02T21:42:00.004+13:002012-10-03T20:59:26.414+13:00hypnotised"we held hands when we walked down the gingerbread path into the forest, blood dripping from our fingers. we danced with witches and kissed monsters. <i>we</i> turned us into wintergirls, and when she tried to leave, <i>i pulled her back into the snow because i was afraid to be alone."</i><br />
<br />
i am walking down that path again. the trees cast black shadows on the ground. i try to walk around them so i don't get sucked into the darkness, but it calls to me. softly. gently. the shadows wrap themselves around my arms, tug me closer to them, caress my hair, whisper sweet nothings in my ears, make me feel worthwhile. they draw me in, hypnotising me with eyes so black they must be bottomless.<br />
<br />
when i try to take my hand back, scarlet regret and betrayal drips down, staining the icy ground dark red. i give in. the cuts heal. i let the shadows take me.<br />
<br />
i am scared. but at least feeling scared is better than feeling nothing.wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-47352792237317697002012-09-27T23:23:00.001+12:002012-09-27T23:23:13.011+12:00thawingmonths pass. i don't write. i don't talk much either. i lock the words and feelings deep down inside me. i let them hurt me.<br />
<br />
my heart is frozen cold after the long winter. people try to melt it with their smiles, but they can't even touch the surface. instead it cracks and splinters, threatening to break into a million little pieces. i am fragile.<br />
<br />
it's almost october again. the magnolias are flowering, spring is here. the ice is melting.<br />
<br />
maybe, this time, i'll thaw too.wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-67013271206885154442012-06-19T21:53:00.000+12:002012-06-19T21:53:40.744+12:00betrayalit's been a year now, slightly more maybe. i miss my old life, the old me, the one people loved. i miss a and c and the happy days. she texted me today - telling me that everything was all my fault. i was hurt because she hasn't been there for me but she said that wasn't her problem because i never told her that i needed a friend.<br />
<br />
you shouldn't have to tell real friends that.<br />
<br />
i start to wonder if i'm the reason i don't have many friends now. t says no - it's because i trust people and then they let me down and that makes me scared to trust again. he loves me and i have to believe that he won't hurt me. i cross my fingers and pray and pray and pray.<br />
<br />
i am a frightened bird, sheltered in his palms. he makes me safe. i never want to fly away.wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-66580662487766097192012-06-03T11:42:00.002+12:002012-06-03T11:42:22.047+12:00rain, againis this what it is always going to be like? things coming together and falling apart over and over. broken glass, glued back together, only to be shattered again. i trust too easily, love too quickly, give parts of myself to people i'm not sure of.<br />
<br />
i was much better off before i got wound up in you.wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-85210850277221628132012-03-25T08:38:00.002+13:002012-03-25T08:42:24.400+13:00lovethe moon comes out and then the whole sky is lighted for our pleasure. the stars begin to dance. i want to sing.<div><br /></div><div>he loves me.</div><div><br /></div><div>i love him too.</div>wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-36411619065055134112012-03-02T21:22:00.002+13:002012-03-02T21:53:49.076+13:00prayersa week ago tonight my sister tried to kill herself. i rang an ambulance, legs shaking, teary eyed. i had to sit in the bathroom with her, holding my hand between the shower wall and her head so she wouldn't knock herself out. they took her away. sam and i cried and he slept in my bed.<div><br /></div><div>i felt like it was my fault.</div><div><br /></div><div>every night since then i cross my fingers and pray it doesn't happen again. please, please, please god. please.</div>wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-63328722213535319952012-02-18T21:58:00.004+13:002012-02-18T22:09:00.599+13:00a thousand milestonight mum and dad ask me what i want for my birthday. 22. "nothing," i say. <i>nothing they can give me</i>.<div><br /></div><div>what i want is to be married in my little house, far away from here and the memories that keep taking me back to a time that i wish could be erased from my mind. and if not that, then i want to be back in the woods in washington, snug and warm with the snow falling outside and puppies to play with in front of the fire and popcorn popping on the stove. and you. mostly i want you.</div><div><br /></div><div>but i can't have any of those things. not now. not yet.</div><div><br /></div><div>i was so happy - <i>am </i>so happy, but i'm starting to wonder if there's such a thing as being too happy. eventually the things that made you like that become common.</div><div><br /></div><div>at first it was enough just to have you, to know that you were there even if there were ocean separating us. it's not enough now. i need you physically, emotionally - in ways i can't describe. you'll be here in two weeks, but that's not enough.</div><div><br /></div><div>i need you. forever.</div>wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-21816742077589365072012-02-06T09:44:00.002+13:002012-02-06T09:50:51.249+13:00weirdhe moves on. a does, that is. he asks h out and she's ecstatic - she's liked him for years. i think about it all saturday and then dream about it that night.<div><br /></div><div>it makes me feel weird. not jealous, although some might think so. i have my own life now, my own boyfriend who adores me, happiness that comes from inside - not like before when it depended on him. i just feel weird.</div><div><br /></div><div>maybe it's because he said he'd wait for me, wait until i was better. i know i moved on, but somehow it still feels like betrayal, a broken promise.</div><div><br /></div><div>i'm coming to terms with it. talking to t made me feel better. i know he loves me, even if he doesn't say it.</div><div><br /></div><div>i think i love him too.</div>wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-17799054803977568022012-01-26T20:54:00.003+13:002012-01-26T20:57:39.860+13:00wholei put on my new hiking boots and wear them around the block. the twilight seeps into darkness, angels peep down through the holes in the sky above. a star shoots by and i close my eyes to make a wish.<div><br /></div><div>blankness. nothing.</div><div><br /></div><div>i have everything. i am happy, complete, well. i have you now and my future stretches before me full of endless possibilities. i am finally content.</div><div><br /></div><div>i want for nothing.</div><div><br /></div><div>i am whole.</div>wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-67412898344100019672011-10-02T18:57:00.004+13:002011-10-02T19:11:34.312+13:00little housei love the way the cherry blossoms are outlined against the spring blue sky - that october colour, somewhere between azure and forever. it makes me feel like there couldn't possibly be any troubles in the world.<div><br /></div><div>and i feel like getting married and living in a little stone house in the woods and cooking and sewing and wearing pretty dresses every day. there would be mayflowers in the garden and hummingbirds that would come and sip sugar water from the porch and ivy that would trail from the eaves. there would be an arch covered in honeysuckle and a wooden swing and so many flowers that you couldn't even see the ground. we would have picnics in the garden every night all summer and watch the sun rise and set and the stars twinkle like silver snippets in a blue velvet sky. and we would grow our own tomatoes and in the autumn i would pick them and stew and can so that when the snow came, the cat would lie on the hearth rug in front of the fire and we would be snug and happy in our little house.</div><div><br /></div><div>and we would grow older and happier every year in our little stone house in the woods.</div>wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-18393609200987912011-09-27T10:32:00.001+13:002011-09-27T10:34:18.594+13:00reminiscing<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">i dream a lot. vivid dreams that i don’t want to wake up from. i dream of n most nights, though i don’t think of him often these days. mostly he just comes and talks to me. we cry a lot. i don’t know why, although today when i woke up sad i wondered if it was my subconscious reminding me of when he left. i was 17 and i cried every night for a long time. i’m still sad when i think about what might have been.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">this morning i go back through all the old emails, the old misunderstandings and confessions. i remember how we used to say ‘god bless’, but really what we meant was ‘i love you.’ and i remember the way he looked at me the last day i saw him, with those big dark eyes and that solemn face that said what a thousand words never could.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">things change. people grow up and move on. i don’t live in the past, but i don’t want to forget either. our first love is the one that touches us most deeply.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">don't forget me n. i won’t forget you either.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">shine on my friend. shine on.</span></p> <!--EndFragment-->wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-12054282416591316832011-06-27T22:22:00.003+12:002011-06-27T22:37:39.120+12:00feelingson saturday i was the golden girl again - wide eyed and laughing, in love with the world and everyone in it. i felt like summer and flirty dresses and messy buns and eating ice cream on the sidewalk.<div><br /></div><div>that night i cried myself to sleep. </div><div><br /></div><div>by sunday night the world was magical again. my little room in my home away from home was beautiful in the dim lamplight.</div><div><br /></div><div>tonight i sit on the floor in that same room. it isn't so beguiling anymore. it feels lonely.</div><div><br /></div><div>sometimes i regret the fact that i am a person ruled by feelings, because when i am sad it seeps through me and becomes me. it is who i am. i am made up of long hair and sticking out ribs and rain and sunshine and clouds.</div><div><br /></div><div>but then when i am happy i revel in it. i love the fact that every smile, every feeling feels like a shot of electricity running through my veins.</div><div><br /></div><div>alive.</div>wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-26861119322508559632011-06-14T09:39:00.003+12:002011-06-14T10:12:06.144+12:00mysteriesfor some strange reason alice cullen stands on the edge of my dreams. she shouts at me, "don't worry. the ending is happy - i saw it."<div><br /></div><div>i wonder what she means. in my dream the future spreads out before me, a miriad of choices leading to a multitude of different lives. which one did she see? which one is happy?</div><div><br /></div><div>i wake up before i can decide, hungry for something that i can't put a name to, wishing that this year was over and the future could begin already. wanting sunshine and happiness.</div><div><br /></div><div>i fall asleep again and dream of darkness.</div>wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-50111237585461405662011-06-09T22:27:00.003+12:002011-06-09T22:34:56.533+12:00winterthe fog settles over, smothering and cold. it buries this little town by the river and me along with it. i light candles and flash sos signals to the outside world. people wave back cheerily. they don't realise. they don't know...<div><br /></div><div>today i eat half a salad sandwich. that's all. i feel empty, apathetic. i call in sick to work and read all day. i try to lose myself in someone else's fictional reality. it's the only time i'm free from the thoughts that try and hunt me down, devour me.</div><div><br /></div><div>before bed i stand in front of the mirror, the harsh light glaring at me. i don't like what i see. i want to watch myself disappear again. i want to curl up and sleep and never wake up.</div><div><br /></div><div>i cry a lot. then i let the yukka die.</div>wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-83105310371815050912011-05-30T19:59:00.003+12:002011-05-30T20:06:33.347+12:00captainthe tides change quickly here. so do other things.<div><br /></div><div>last week i held you as if you were the lifeboat that had been thrown from my sinking ship. i thought you could make it all better.</div><div><br /></div><div>this week i realise that i am actually the captain, navigating through choppy waters. i stand in the crows nest and look out at miles of grey sky reflected in an equally grey sea. the stars will show me where to go. the sea gods will stop me from sinking.</div><div><br /></div><div>the sea wind blows my memories of you away. i rip the photos up into little pieces and let the wind take those too.</div><div><br /></div><div>i fall out of love.</div><div><br /></div><div>finally.</div>wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-17810387695959810842011-05-25T09:52:00.003+12:002011-05-25T09:56:18.065+12:00survivingwhen i turned 18 you gave me a plant. a yukka in a big blue ceramic pot. it lives outside the kitchen door even now.<div><br /></div><div>this year it withers and dries up. i forget to take care of it. mother looks at it and says, "do you want to let it die?"</div><div><br /></div><div>i say i don't care, but when she isn't looking i water it and fertilize it and plant my wishes among its roots.</div><div><br /></div><div>i try to make it come back to life...</div>wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-34487647262079929192011-05-14T20:26:00.002+12:002011-05-14T20:34:34.509+12:00tidal wavesitting in church i can feel it coming. the darkness that is. it ebbs and flows. it crashes over me last saturday night - i watch 3 movies and stay up until 2 in the morning. i can't sleep because of crying too much. over the next few days i cry so much my whole body hurts. amanda worries over my red eyes and puffy face. i pass it off as allergies. she believes me.<div><br /></div><div>then as suddenly as the darkness came, it leaves again. i feel like a baby, newborn, blinking in the bright sunlight of the new world.</div><div><br /></div><div>now i can feel the tsunami building again. building. building. building. it will crash later today.</div><div><br /></div><div>i wish i could stop it.</div><div><br /></div><div>now sitting here in church i miss you. i want you so much i hurt all over. just one glimpse. maybe you could break the spell.</div><div><br /></div><div>if only i was brave enough to ask you to try.</div>wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-72073641191223870892011-04-25T11:14:00.004+12:002011-04-25T11:24:00.704+12:00a year laterlast easter sunday i hiked for 8 hours over 19km of mountains. afterwards i slept for three days. i never really woke up.<div><br /></div><div>that was the end of life as i knew it. the sad feelings which had been building up over a lifetime crashed over me that week and i couldn't get up again.</div><div><br /></div><div>is 21 too young to look back on my life with nothing but regret? will these ghosts haunt me forever? i see pictures of wintergirls - they're 30, 40, 50. hardly girls anymore. i thought i was better than that. i thought i was thawing.</div><div><br /></div><div>but then i thought, 'what's the harm of just looking down the rabbit hole? i won't get hurt, right?'</div><div><br /></div><div>wrong. i leaned over, trying to see the bottom, wondering how far down it was.</div><div><br /></div><div>now i'm falling.</div><div><br /></div><div>i don't want you to catch me.</div>wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-34097323524931317072011-04-16T17:06:00.005+12:002011-04-16T17:18:43.288+12:00concentrici'm dizzy again. i loved today. nothing exciting happened, but i loved the way i felt. i wore my purple coat and new stockings and i sat in the church hall at lunchtime. a strange man in an eccentric green and yellow sweater sat down and lectured me. when his phone rang, he got up and i closed my eyes and wished to be somewhere else.<div><br /></div><div>when i opened my eyes you were there.</div><div><br /></div><div>i love the reality of you. it's when i don't see you for a while and i sit in my room and think about you, that's when i feel sad. i don't like the memory of you and i don't like the idea of seeing you, but when you're there i am happy.</div><div><br /></div><div>i tell you i can't stand miso soup and that i hate the beach. i try and make you fall out of love with me.</div><div><br /></div><div>we go round and round in circles. i love you. you love me not. you love me. i love you not.</div><div><br /></div><div>i don't know how i want the story to end.</div>wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-57655145358620704212011-04-13T20:31:00.002+12:002011-04-13T20:38:58.760+12:00the gamei use them like tissue paper. the same two. they lie crumpled on the floor where i've thrown them at the wastebasket, but missed.<div><br /></div><div>the two are interchangeable. when one comes too close i push them away and reach for the other. then it repeats.</div><div><br /></div><div>it's a game they don't get tired of. i don't either. not yet anyway.<br /><div><br /></div><div>i feel remotely sorry that this is what it is has come down to.</div></div><div><br /></div><div>i was made for more.</div><div><br /></div><div>so were you.</div>wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-13292333941137145682011-04-11T16:23:00.003+12:002011-04-11T16:30:09.539+12:00wonderlandi feel like alice - standing on the edge of the rabbit hole, about to tumble down. down, down, down. yet again.<div><br /></div><div>i wanted to be better for <i>him</i> and now that he's gone i have no reason to be anything other than what i am. he made me want to be better, but i let him slip like sand through my fingers, not realising what he meant until it was too late.</div><div><br /></div><div>even now i don't know if i loved him, or if i just loved the idea of loving him. or perhaps more accurately: i loved the idea of him loving me.</div><div><br /></div><div>but it's over. today i try and be strong. i go downstairs and spoon mouthful after mouthful of cereal into my unwilling body. i make a new pact.</div><div><br /></div><div>tomorrow i will put on my grey-blue dress and be alice.</div><div><br /></div><div>this is your last chance to save me. hurry. it's almost too late.</div>wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-75235440811229131722011-04-08T20:56:00.002+12:002011-04-08T21:03:42.173+12:00endless blueeven though i am surrounded by people, often times i feel alone. i have seen life from outside the neat borders of sanity and that makes things different. sometimes i miss the reckless abandon of living outside those lines, of having no discernible boundaries, of it not really mattering whether you live or die. it's a risky state to be in, but now that it eludes me, i crave the free falling feeling that it gives you.<div><br /></div><div>i am at the hospital now, for work, sitting under the fluorescent lights and scribbling in my notebook. my uniform gapes at the front. it's still too big.</div><div><br /></div><div>in my break i walk the hospital hallways, looking for you. i wish that i could see you, but i don't. i wish that i could miss you, but i don't.</div><div><br /></div><div>i hold you like a kite string, slowly unravelling through my hands.</div><div><br /></div><div>i don't want to let go.</div>wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-91521042352253269292011-04-03T20:45:00.002+12:002011-04-03T21:04:44.347+12:00hot air balloon<div>balloon festival. my favourite time of year as a child. my parents used to wrap us up in coats and take us to the lake, fog rising off the ground as we watched the rainbow balloons inhale the warm air and lift up into the sky.</div><div><br /></div><div>esperanza - hope - rising.</div><div><br /></div><div>i think of that today as i watch the balloons fly higher and higher into the sky.</div><div><br /></div><div>then this afternoon he breaks the "no contact" rule one too many times. only i am allowed to break that rule, although i don't. it wouldn't be a big deal, but it comes in the wake of my sister contemplating suicide yet again. it's all too much. i email him sharply, staccato bursts, not saying what i really mean.</div><div><br /></div><div>my dreams rise with the balloons and burst like bubbles in the sunshine.</div>wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041765711203633142.post-85098811629571547782011-03-24T23:04:00.003+13:002011-03-24T23:13:49.856+13:00tonight<div>another day, another wedding. as they say, the bride was beautiful. i was so happy for her that i cried.</div><div><br /></div><div>at first he ignored me, so i thought, "two can play this game." but i was wrong. i can't play that game. i lose miserably every time.</div><div><br /></div><div>at the reception we yell a conversation across the table before i go and sit with him. you know, i think we could talk for an eternity and still not run out of words to say.</div><div><br /></div><div>at some point he makes a quip about the groom always needing to say sorry whether he's wrong or right and the lady next to him laughs. "i think you're ready to get married" she says. his eyes lock with mine and he says, slowly, "maybe not quite yet."</div><div><br /></div><div>all the way home i'm replaying what he said, what i felt, how he looked at me with that secret smile that says, "we know something nobody else does."</div><div><br /></div><div>this night is sparkling/don't you let it go/i'm wonderstruck/blushing all the way home.</div><div><br /></div><div>i'm enchanted with you. you know it. wait for me. </div><div><br /></div><div>please.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>wintergirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15910834488902567231noreply@blogger.com2