glitter

my birthday night is sparkly and so am i. my friends come and there is smiles and laughter and kisses. i wear a white dress and i skip and dance and jump on the trampoline and act 10 years old again. i realise people love me.

he hugs me twice and i talk to him when he leaves. c lurks nearby, with her flamboyant orange dress and freshly inked arm, pretending to look for the cat in the the bushes.

he understands.

my cake is pink and white and green. i blow out the candles and make a wish. almost before i've opened my eyes it's come true.

at the end of it all i'm so giddy i can hardly sleep. i fall asleep smiling.

once again, all is well in my world. i am happy.

21

21 roses, 21 skies, 21 smiles, 21 reasons, 21 years.

21. 21. 21.

this is the beginning of the rest of my life.

i can't wait.

rewind

i have two more days left of being 20.

all i wanted for my birthday was for him to kiss me. just once. just so that i knew for sure that he loved me, that i was worth being loved.

now he won't. now my world is falling apart again. now i can't sleep or eat or even think. they say it's a broken heart, but if that's true then why do i hurt everywhere?

i have a party to host, people to smile at, a face to be put on. but i know that i will stand there the whole evening, talking and laughing, but at the same time watching him from out of the corner of my eye and wishing i could rewind the past few weeks. wishing that he would think of me, just once and remember that he used to loved me.

wishing that he could be mine again.

unhappy birthday to me.

forgetting

i say no to him. no. no. no. i push him away like i always do with everyone i care about. as he leaves i can feel a part of me going with him.

i lock the door in my heart that belongs to him. the glass starts to splinter and crack. shards break off and lie like tear drops on the ground.

i don't remember where i put the key. i don't remember why i wanted to be better, except for him. now he's gone.

that night i forget to eat again.

cat and mouse

i sit in my room spooning baby food into my mouth with a teaspoon, wondering whether or not to text him.

he annoyed me yesterday and i complained to kate. usually i don't do that. then today i didn't talk to him, even though i could see that he spent more time in church looking at me than at the preacher.

i flick him between my paws, turn him upside down and inside out. he wants to be free.

i decide to text him.

am i the cat or the mouse?