a year later

last easter sunday i hiked for 8 hours over 19km of mountains. afterwards i slept for three days. i never really woke up.

that was the end of life as i knew it. the sad feelings which had been building up over a lifetime crashed over me that week and i couldn't get up again.

is 21 too young to look back on my life with nothing but regret? will these ghosts haunt me forever? i see pictures of wintergirls - they're 30, 40, 50. hardly girls anymore. i thought i was better than that. i thought i was thawing.

but then i thought, 'what's the harm of just looking down the rabbit hole? i won't get hurt, right?'

wrong. i leaned over, trying to see the bottom, wondering how far down it was.

now i'm falling.

i don't want you to catch me.