Friday, April 8, 2011

endless blue

even though i am surrounded by people, often times i feel alone. i have seen life from outside the neat borders of sanity and that makes things different. sometimes i miss the reckless abandon of living outside those lines, of having no discernible boundaries, of it not really mattering whether you live or die. it's a risky state to be in, but now that it eludes me, i crave the free falling feeling that it gives you.

i am at the hospital now, for work, sitting under the fluorescent lights and scribbling in my notebook. my uniform gapes at the front. it's still too big.

in my break i walk the hospital hallways, looking for you. i wish that i could see you, but i don't. i wish that i could miss you, but i don't.

i hold you like a kite string, slowly unravelling through my hands.

i don't want to let go.

1 comment:

  1. One of the hardest things about recovery can be the realization that you are becoming “normal”. Mostly, “normalcy” is a wonderful, freeing thing - there is so much that you can do! But, I think that having any sort of ED or mental struggle can actually be a sort of twisted blessing. It allows you to have greater compassion and understanding for others and opens up your view of the world, that most people can never have. And, thus, we sometimes feel alone.

    Take care, my dear. You are doing beautifully.