wedding days

it's a hot day. the sun beats down and we stand in the shade, fanning ourselves with silver programs.

he wears a stripy shirt and brown pants. his shoes click as he walks towards me.

the white dress is beautiful. so is she. they exchange their vows with tears and smiles. it's been a long road.

he is standing behind me - i can feel his eyes on my dress, my hair, my neck.

the flowers are purple, bright against the dresses, a splash of colour, beauty.

he looks at me for longer than need be. does he know?

there are fairy lights and fern leaves in the hall. it looks like happiness.

he rolls up his sleeves and helps in the kitchen. he comes to our table and serves sparkling grape juice.

then there are speeches and laughter at things that happened long before i knew either of them.

he smiles at me.

then i am home and in my room, still in my blue dress, dancing around in the moonlight. happy.

i love you. i love you. i love you.

question mark

i get a virus and miss my exams. i can't get out of bed. eventually i go to the emergency medical centre. they tell me i have ketones and bilirubin in my urine.

"you haven't been eating," the doctor says. she frowns at me, "how much do you weigh?"

"50 kilos," i say. give or take a few.

no use being truthful. it only makes them worried.

amanda fusses over me, trying to feed me maple walnut ice cream. i have a little, but i don't want anymore.

i don't want to eat. this scares me.

i don't want to relapse.

exams

the samurai are back with their swords that slash me into thousands of pieces. i find it hard to move or talk or breathe. i curl on my bed, make myself as small as possible and wish for it to end.

“it’s just anxiety,” they say. “i feel like being sick too.”

i don’t know. not even your rainbow pills can help me now.

but i have to get up. i have an exam to sit in two hours time. i have to will the monsters not to crawl up my throat, spill out my unwilling mouth.

i have to stop my racing heart, tachycardic beats which get more random by the second.

i have to be strong.

fireworks

i sit on the bank, mesmerized by the embers floating over my head, sparks shooting high above. there is red and orange, yellow, blue and green. it's too dark to see any faces, but i can hear voices i know everywhere. it's guy fawkes. time to be young again.

i love fireworks. i love remembering what it was like to watch them as a child, snuggled up with my big coat on. i love the memories, the smiles. i am still wide eyed now, wonderstruck, almost innocent in my too big coat with my curly hair falling out of it's ponytail around my face.

i go and stand by the fire with my friends. i laugh until my face hurts and the smoke blows like mist into my eyes.

here i am - shining like fireworks over your sad empty town.

i am happy.

as you wish

i say i'm watching the princess bride. he says, "as you wish."

i say i have to miss the end because i am too tired. he says, "happily ever after is how it ends."

i am enchanted.

i fall asleep and dream of white horses and happy endings and me. and you.

please, please don't be in love with someone else.

enchanted.