pray

i go to church. i stand up and sit down. i kneel on the floor, face rested on the seat in front of me, knee caps pressing against the wooden floor. the preacher talks. i can't remember what about.

it hurts.

he isn't there, but i knew he wouldn't be. he told me he was going to be elsewhere.

i pretended not to care.

at home i have the strange feeling that i am about to float away, that this is not my life. my feet aren't on the ground. i eat/starve/eat/starve.

i kneel again and ask forgiveness for my sins.