feelings

on saturday i was the golden girl again - wide eyed and laughing, in love with the world and everyone in it. i felt like summer and flirty dresses and messy buns and eating ice cream on the sidewalk.

that night i cried myself to sleep.

by sunday night the world was magical again. my little room in my home away from home was beautiful in the dim lamplight.

tonight i sit on the floor in that same room. it isn't so beguiling anymore. it feels lonely.

sometimes i regret the fact that i am a person ruled by feelings, because when i am sad it seeps through me and becomes me. it is who i am. i am made up of long hair and sticking out ribs and rain and sunshine and clouds.

but then when i am happy i revel in it. i love the fact that every smile, every feeling feels like a shot of electricity running through my veins.

alive.

mysteries

for some strange reason alice cullen stands on the edge of my dreams. she shouts at me, "don't worry. the ending is happy - i saw it."

i wonder what she means. in my dream the future spreads out before me, a miriad of choices leading to a multitude of different lives. which one did she see? which one is happy?

i wake up before i can decide, hungry for something that i can't put a name to, wishing that this year was over and the future could begin already. wanting sunshine and happiness.

i fall asleep again and dream of darkness.

winter

the fog settles over, smothering and cold. it buries this little town by the river and me along with it. i light candles and flash sos signals to the outside world. people wave back cheerily. they don't realise. they don't know...

today i eat half a salad sandwich. that's all. i feel empty, apathetic. i call in sick to work and read all day. i try to lose myself in someone else's fictional reality. it's the only time i'm free from the thoughts that try and hunt me down, devour me.

before bed i stand in front of the mirror, the harsh light glaring at me. i don't like what i see. i want to watch myself disappear again. i want to curl up and sleep and never wake up.

i cry a lot. then i let the yukka die.