the evening is dizzy, my legs cramp from my shoes and my dress makes it hard to breathe. i try to keep smiling. weddings are happy times. i am not a scrooge.
before the reception i sit and watch him playing pool. i'm dying inside. i'm jealous of the beautiful bride and her husband - the knight in white armor. i want to fast forward to the time when we can be together.
when i get home i think of sylvia plath.
"i took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. i am. i am. i am."
i get in bed and close my eyes. i listen to my fragile heart ticking over once, twice, three times.
i am not.
but i will be.
we will be.