a thousand miles

tonight mum and dad ask me what i want for my birthday. 22. "nothing," i say. nothing they can give me.

what i want is to be married in my little house, far away from here and the memories that keep taking me back to a time that i wish could be erased from my mind. and if not that, then i want to be back in the woods in washington, snug and warm with the snow falling outside and puppies to play with in front of the fire and popcorn popping on the stove. and you. mostly i want you.

but i can't have any of those things. not now. not yet.

i was so happy - am so happy, but i'm starting to wonder if there's such a thing as being too happy. eventually the things that made you like that become common.

at first it was enough just to have you, to know that you were there even if there were ocean separating us. it's not enough now. i need you physically, emotionally - in ways i can't describe. you'll be here in two weeks, but that's not enough.

i need you. forever.

weird

he moves on. a does, that is. he asks h out and she's ecstatic - she's liked him for years. i think about it all saturday and then dream about it that night.

it makes me feel weird. not jealous, although some might think so. i have my own life now, my own boyfriend who adores me, happiness that comes from inside - not like before when it depended on him. i just feel weird.

maybe it's because he said he'd wait for me, wait until i was better. i know i moved on, but somehow it still feels like betrayal, a broken promise.

i'm coming to terms with it. talking to t made me feel better. i know he loves me, even if he doesn't say it.

i think i love him too.