reminiscing

i dream a lot. vivid dreams that i don’t want to wake up from. i dream of n most nights, though i don’t think of him often these days. mostly he just comes and talks to me. we cry a lot. i don’t know why, although today when i woke up sad i wondered if it was my subconscious reminding me of when he left. i was 17 and i cried every night for a long time. i’m still sad when i think about what might have been.

this morning i go back through all the old emails, the old misunderstandings and confessions. i remember how we used to say ‘god bless’, but really what we meant was ‘i love you.’ and i remember the way he looked at me the last day i saw him, with those big dark eyes and that solemn face that said what a thousand words never could.

things change. people grow up and move on. i don’t live in the past, but i don’t want to forget either. our first love is the one that touches us most deeply.

don't forget me n. i won’t forget you either.

shine on my friend. shine on.