forgetting

i say no to him. no. no. no. i push him away like i always do with everyone i care about. as he leaves i can feel a part of me going with him.

i lock the door in my heart that belongs to him. the glass starts to splinter and crack. shards break off and lie like tear drops on the ground.

i don't remember where i put the key. i don't remember why i wanted to be better, except for him. now he's gone.

that night i forget to eat again.

cat and mouse

i sit in my room spooning baby food into my mouth with a teaspoon, wondering whether or not to text him.

he annoyed me yesterday and i complained to kate. usually i don't do that. then today i didn't talk to him, even though i could see that he spent more time in church looking at me than at the preacher.

i flick him between my paws, turn him upside down and inside out. he wants to be free.

i decide to text him.

am i the cat or the mouse?

heart

you carefully remove the glass top of my heart. "can you fix it?" i say.

you don't answer, just reach inside and plant asiatic lilies so that whenever i see them i'll think of you. you start to sing.

you save a place in my heart in a white walled room. there are bay windows and the smell of the ocean and if the sky is clear you could see for a hundred miles. you say you'll come back.

and your name is written in silver paint on the walls, in the walls, through the walls.

careful. tiptoe. don't break it.

falling

i go to camp because he's there. it's a little awkward at first, but then it's fine. i don't know how i went two weeks without seeing him.

on saturday afternoon we play a game. we have to walk to different areas of the park and do different activities. in one of them we have to walk up the stairs blindfolded, holding on to the person in front of us. i was scared of falling.

he was right behind me. "don't worry," he said. "if you fall, i'll catch you."

i am falling. head over heels.

catch me.

un-mixed

we meet in the gardens. we sit by the lake and look out over the water. it's really more like a duck pond.

he loves me.

i knew that, i just didn't want to admit it. i wanted to flirt, but i didn't want to be in love. does that mean it's all my fault?

i can't do this now. two months ago i was on the brink of killing myself. i still can't eat three meals a day without wanting to puke. i need to get better first.

i say i'm not ready. he says there's no rush. i say," if you can wait for me, fine. but if not, then that's okay too. i'm not the only girl there is."

he says, "i know. if i find anyone who can compare to you then i'll think about it. i don't think that would happen though."

we live in a small town. do we need to settle for each other?

i try not to cry. then i say, "i'm sorry i'm not who you thought i was."

he tells me it's okay, it's just made him like me even more.

he hugs me hard before i get into my car. "friends?" i say. "friends," he says.

whatever that means.